Weblog
10. November 2008:
second thoughts on Obama
Okay, I was pretty flippant in that five-minute blog I wrote about Obama winning the election. It is of course an important historical even that the American public voted for a minority president. What really reminded me of this is not the overwhelming attention this fact is receiving in the States but the surprise of my Taiwanese friends and co-workers. "I though white people didn't like black people?" they wonder. Each time, I have to admit it hurts my feelings a little bit because I know the way I was raised and the myriad kinds of people I grew up around, and to me racism is so contrary to what I feel are the values of my country and the reasons I am proud to be American that I am upset that we have exported such a negative image to the rest of the world. On the other hand, Taiwanese people, like so many people from east Asia, aren't really renowned for their enlightened perspective when it comes to people of different colors (i.e. anyone too dark is considered dirty; Filipino and Thai workers are to be avoided at all costs, unless you can hire an ugly one to raise your kids and send her shitty salary back home to her own kids), but they do have a lot of love and respect for America, so I think we set a very positive example just now.
09. November 2008:
It has been raining all weekend, so I expect that plus or minus a few precious warm days, we are well on our way into winter now and it will be cold, gray, and miserable until around March or so. It is a little depressing because the sun sets by five, so by the time we get out of work, it's already dark and probably raining. I have some hope, though--during the summer, my neighbors enjoyed a really nice breeze through their apartment that kept the whole place pleasant and cool while my place was as hot as an oven. I am hoping that during the winter, we will stay a little warmer.
******************
I have been cleaning my room, like I've mentioned before. I have found bags and bags of things to throw away, but last night was the gem: I finally sorted through two bags of "important papers" that I have been carting around me from place to place since I came here. I went through them last night and found a bunch of old bank statements that I can shred without any repercussions and random articles of interest that I had printed and amassed without ever giving them a second thought. Here I thought I had all these kind of to-do tasks laying in wait for me and it was all junk that could be thrown into the recycling bin. Now that is the kind of qi stuff I am talking about. I really did feel like a weight was lifted all my shoulder when I could just get rid of this stuff that had been taking up a whole lot of space right at my feet for the past couple of years, not to mention a small nagging space in my brain.
*******************
That also kind of relates to my horoscope. I shouldn't be reading it, I know, and if I do, I shouldn't be placing so much stock in it, but sometimes things just make sense. Yeah I know it's written to be general enough to apply to almost anyone, right? But sometimes, like in June or so when I read that I was having trouble at work, specifically with a woman, I definitely got some creeps because I was having trouble at work with a bull-headed woman. What about the remaining 1/12 of the world's population that are Geminis? I don't know, I can't speak for them, except maybe some people are more determined by their signs than others. Or it's all bullshit, whatever. But I have been exceptionally on top of my game lately. I told you already about cleaning my room, not going out, cooking my own dinner...these were all just some of the things that seemed impossible for me. Tasks that I didn't seem to have to the time and energy to do, or decisions requiring a degree of self-control that I didn't trust myself to have, and then all of a sudden, within the past few weeks, I have felt like an experienced conductor in front of a harmonious orchestra. I have just been making things happen, bippity-boppety-boop. The reason I find it particularly noteworthy is that I haven't even been all that stressed or anxious, which is my normal state of existence. But I read in my horoscope that I should be feeling more stability and security lately and well, things just resonated for me. Whatever, I am not trying to convert anyone; I still can't take it seriously myself, but for the bored and curious, the link is www.astrologyzone.com.
*********************
A friend actually recommended that I get my star chart read the other day. I doubt I am going to shell out US$150 to find out when I'm gonna die and who I'm gonna marry when I can't really take astrology seriously, but she had it done and she felt it had been useful. She also asked me if I would pose nude for a calendar she wanted to create to raise money for the humanitarian work she is involved in in Palestine. Ummm...no. She kept prodding me about having a positive body image, but that is hardly the problem and I didn't feel like she would understand if I just explained to her that even though I think I have a nice body, I don't think everyone should get to see it. I don't even like trotting around in skimpy bathing suits. The only one who gets to see me nekkid is my Beau, and I like it that way. My body is special to me, and hell, yeah, I love rocking sexy clothes when I'm out with my friends and I most definitely wore a Hooters' chick outfit on Halloween, but that doesn't mean everyone gets to see my nipples.
That's essentially my initial and most fundamental reason for not doing it, but I am afraid it sounds dated to most people. Apparently, since I am satisfied with my physical appearance, I shouldn’t have any problem exposing myself to everyone else. However, in addition to offending my sense of propriety, I feel like I would have less control over how such pictures would be interpreted as a minority in an otherwise homogenous community. As Beau pointed out, Western women here are stereotyped as some kind of nymphomaniacs and a calendar of naked English teachers would reinforce the stereotype. Since I know of at least one woman who was attacked by a local man here and I have myself dealt with the occasional rude groper in the bar, that could not only be negative but dangerous. Moreover, I am a kindergarten teacher in a not very large city. It is entirely possible that people I know--including my co-workers and the parents of my students, or even my students--would get their hands on such a calendar, and I don’t think anyone really needs to see Miss Rae in her birthday suit.
It’s not the worst idea in the world—successfully completed, it could likely sell well and raise some much-needed funds for my friend’s good work. She promised it would be tasteful and even guaranteed that she could photograph her subjects in such a way that no one could make out their faces to recognize them in passing. I believe her, but I am still not going to do it.
Now’s as good a time as any to share a joke that my friends and I have been tossing around. Remember how in Van Wilder they had the “Topless Tutors” to help struggling students with their math grades? We could totally have “Topless English Tutors” here. I bet we’d make bank, too. Again, totally not gonna do it, but man would it work.
brrrr
It is now officially getting cold. I am not looking forward to another winter here. It doesn't snow, but it rains incessantly and it is very, very cold. This suckiness is compounded by the fact that we drive scooters, not cars, and our houses are tiled, not carpeted. We have air conditioners in every room, but no heaters, and most of us have washers but no dryers, so that our clothes are always stiff and not a little damp when we put them on in the morning. (Though I confess that I now take all my laundry to the local laundromat where for about US$6 they will wash, dry, and fold a large bag for me and I can pick it up after a few hours all warm and fragrant.)It has been raining all weekend, so I expect that plus or minus a few precious warm days, we are well on our way into winter now and it will be cold, gray, and miserable until around March or so. It is a little depressing because the sun sets by five, so by the time we get out of work, it's already dark and probably raining. I have some hope, though--during the summer, my neighbors enjoyed a really nice breeze through their apartment that kept the whole place pleasant and cool while my place was as hot as an oven. I am hoping that during the winter, we will stay a little warmer.
******************
I have been cleaning my room, like I've mentioned before. I have found bags and bags of things to throw away, but last night was the gem: I finally sorted through two bags of "important papers" that I have been carting around me from place to place since I came here. I went through them last night and found a bunch of old bank statements that I can shred without any repercussions and random articles of interest that I had printed and amassed without ever giving them a second thought. Here I thought I had all these kind of to-do tasks laying in wait for me and it was all junk that could be thrown into the recycling bin. Now that is the kind of qi stuff I am talking about. I really did feel like a weight was lifted all my shoulder when I could just get rid of this stuff that had been taking up a whole lot of space right at my feet for the past couple of years, not to mention a small nagging space in my brain.
*******************
That also kind of relates to my horoscope. I shouldn't be reading it, I know, and if I do, I shouldn't be placing so much stock in it, but sometimes things just make sense. Yeah I know it's written to be general enough to apply to almost anyone, right? But sometimes, like in June or so when I read that I was having trouble at work, specifically with a woman, I definitely got some creeps because I was having trouble at work with a bull-headed woman. What about the remaining 1/12 of the world's population that are Geminis? I don't know, I can't speak for them, except maybe some people are more determined by their signs than others. Or it's all bullshit, whatever. But I have been exceptionally on top of my game lately. I told you already about cleaning my room, not going out, cooking my own dinner...these were all just some of the things that seemed impossible for me. Tasks that I didn't seem to have to the time and energy to do, or decisions requiring a degree of self-control that I didn't trust myself to have, and then all of a sudden, within the past few weeks, I have felt like an experienced conductor in front of a harmonious orchestra. I have just been making things happen, bippity-boppety-boop. The reason I find it particularly noteworthy is that I haven't even been all that stressed or anxious, which is my normal state of existence. But I read in my horoscope that I should be feeling more stability and security lately and well, things just resonated for me. Whatever, I am not trying to convert anyone; I still can't take it seriously myself, but for the bored and curious, the link is www.astrologyzone.com.
*********************
A friend actually recommended that I get my star chart read the other day. I doubt I am going to shell out US$150 to find out when I'm gonna die and who I'm gonna marry when I can't really take astrology seriously, but she had it done and she felt it had been useful. She also asked me if I would pose nude for a calendar she wanted to create to raise money for the humanitarian work she is involved in in Palestine. Ummm...no. She kept prodding me about having a positive body image, but that is hardly the problem and I didn't feel like she would understand if I just explained to her that even though I think I have a nice body, I don't think everyone should get to see it. I don't even like trotting around in skimpy bathing suits. The only one who gets to see me nekkid is my Beau, and I like it that way. My body is special to me, and hell, yeah, I love rocking sexy clothes when I'm out with my friends and I most definitely wore a Hooters' chick outfit on Halloween, but that doesn't mean everyone gets to see my nipples.
That's essentially my initial and most fundamental reason for not doing it, but I am afraid it sounds dated to most people. Apparently, since I am satisfied with my physical appearance, I shouldn’t have any problem exposing myself to everyone else. However, in addition to offending my sense of propriety, I feel like I would have less control over how such pictures would be interpreted as a minority in an otherwise homogenous community. As Beau pointed out, Western women here are stereotyped as some kind of nymphomaniacs and a calendar of naked English teachers would reinforce the stereotype. Since I know of at least one woman who was attacked by a local man here and I have myself dealt with the occasional rude groper in the bar, that could not only be negative but dangerous. Moreover, I am a kindergarten teacher in a not very large city. It is entirely possible that people I know--including my co-workers and the parents of my students, or even my students--would get their hands on such a calendar, and I don’t think anyone really needs to see Miss Rae in her birthday suit.
It’s not the worst idea in the world—successfully completed, it could likely sell well and raise some much-needed funds for my friend’s good work. She promised it would be tasteful and even guaranteed that she could photograph her subjects in such a way that no one could make out their faces to recognize them in passing. I believe her, but I am still not going to do it.
Now’s as good a time as any to share a joke that my friends and I have been tossing around. Remember how in Van Wilder they had the “Topless Tutors” to help struggling students with their math grades? We could totally have “Topless English Tutors” here. I bet we’d make bank, too. Again, totally not gonna do it, but man would it work.
04. November 2008:
I thought we weren't supposed to be talking about race??? Not only are the headlines explicit about Obama's race but the photos of voters excited about the outcome of the election could have been taken in Nigeria--there isn't a white face among them. He's president of the nation, right? Not just the African-American community?
He wasn't running as a black president, so why are we celebrating him as one? Sure, it is significant that he is the first black president in America, but he was elected, I hope, because of the American voting populace's faith in his competence and not because we really wanted a black guy in the oval office after all this time.
At slate.com, it's "President Obama: He won Ohio. He's going to the White House." Nice and neutral. Let's get down to business. Congratulations, President Obama.
Obama won
This is definitely not a political blog, and I haven't been the most faithful American citizen in that I didn't really follow the campaigns at all; I just checked the headlines a few times today to see who won. I just think it's interesting that the headlines are "Nation Elects First Black President," "Illinois Senator to Become First African-American Leader in U.S. History" (msn.com), "Obama's Historic Victory," "First Black President" (yahoo.com), "Obama Sweeps to Victory in History Making Campaign" (washingtonpost.com), "Obama Wins: First African-American in Highest U.S. Office" (latimes.com) and "Obama: Racial Barriers Fall as Voters Embrace Call for Change" (nytimes.com).I thought we weren't supposed to be talking about race??? Not only are the headlines explicit about Obama's race but the photos of voters excited about the outcome of the election could have been taken in Nigeria--there isn't a white face among them. He's president of the nation, right? Not just the African-American community?
He wasn't running as a black president, so why are we celebrating him as one? Sure, it is significant that he is the first black president in America, but he was elected, I hope, because of the American voting populace's faith in his competence and not because we really wanted a black guy in the oval office after all this time.
At slate.com, it's "President Obama: He won Ohio. He's going to the White House." Nice and neutral. Let's get down to business. Congratulations, President Obama.
04. November 2008:
The reality of the this has been really enlightening to me, but maybe you're a nicer person. I guarantee that some of you are.
I adopt a self-righteous attitude at whim. When I'm going through a productive spell and uninterested in going to the bar (I feel one coming on just now), then I turn up my nose at my friends who I suddenly perceive to be wasting their time drinking and behaving like idiots. When I'm less interested in being accountable for what I do with my time and money, then I am equally disgusted with those folks who won't join us for a drink and don't feel a keen desire to walk out of the River into the sunlight of a weekend dawn. I didn't clean my apartment for three months because I was depressed; I was either at work, drunk, or hungover. Lately, I've been feeling more perky and satisfied, and I finally decided to defrost the fridge and give the oven a scrub, which I have to say were both thick with indescribable amounts of unidentifiable crud. No matter that my roommate dusted, mopped, and generally kept up appearances for the rest of the place while I shuffled in and out of my bedroom like a grumpy little troll for the entire summer; no, I mounted my high horse and started composing lofty internal monologues making a distinction between being "neat" and being "clean" and making mental notes about how much furniture in the apartment I own, which should have more than compensated for the fact that I don't clean any of it.
I can be so bad. The craziest moments are when I am lucid enough to recognize that I am being an intolerable bitch and I still can't help myself from rolling around in my own shit thoughts.
Here are a few more Oscar Wilde quotes that I found and liked:
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
wilde
I have a little funny quote application on my Facebook page. Most of the quotes are from Oscar Wilde, Winston Churchill, Yogi Berra, Erma Bombeck, and Rodney Dangerfield. I especially like the the Oscar Wilde quotes. This one has been on my mind for two days:Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike. --Oscar Wilde
The reality of the this has been really enlightening to me, but maybe you're a nicer person. I guarantee that some of you are.
I adopt a self-righteous attitude at whim. When I'm going through a productive spell and uninterested in going to the bar (I feel one coming on just now), then I turn up my nose at my friends who I suddenly perceive to be wasting their time drinking and behaving like idiots. When I'm less interested in being accountable for what I do with my time and money, then I am equally disgusted with those folks who won't join us for a drink and don't feel a keen desire to walk out of the River into the sunlight of a weekend dawn. I didn't clean my apartment for three months because I was depressed; I was either at work, drunk, or hungover. Lately, I've been feeling more perky and satisfied, and I finally decided to defrost the fridge and give the oven a scrub, which I have to say were both thick with indescribable amounts of unidentifiable crud. No matter that my roommate dusted, mopped, and generally kept up appearances for the rest of the place while I shuffled in and out of my bedroom like a grumpy little troll for the entire summer; no, I mounted my high horse and started composing lofty internal monologues making a distinction between being "neat" and being "clean" and making mental notes about how much furniture in the apartment I own, which should have more than compensated for the fact that I don't clean any of it.
I can be so bad. The craziest moments are when I am lucid enough to recognize that I am being an intolerable bitch and I still can't help myself from rolling around in my own shit thoughts.
Here are a few more Oscar Wilde quotes that I found and liked:
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
01. November 2008:
************************
So the other day I was helping some of my older students understand the meaning of the word "traditional" in English, so I asked them about some traditional Taiwanese foods. I named off a few in English but they didn't know the English names, so I dropped a few Chinese names and then the little bastard in the corner starts whispering to his buddy. I'm like, "Tom, what did Richard say?" because Richard is a little disgruntled jerk and Tom told me, "He said your Chinese is getting better." Now I had my doubts as to the verity of that translation and I couldn't even hear what Richard said anyway, but I told them, "Well, it should be. I pay a lot of money for Chinese lessons and my teacher gives me a lot of homework." To which Tom awesomely responded, "You pay money to buy homework?" Golden.
************************
I have been cleaning my room all day. My rule has been to just get rid of the stuff that I wouldn't want to take back with me were I going home in a few weeks. I have thrown out things I forgot I even owned, shirts from my junior year of college (I graduated in 2004!), and various stained or otherwise well-worn items of clothing. It's my working-class upbringing; or my parents', rather, since they actually were able to provide a very comfortable life for us, but still clung to habits of "waste not, want not" that make me reluctant to throw out things like broken disposable cutlery and twisty ties. It's nauseating to me to find all the junk I have tucked away in bags and boxes in the corners of the room--purses I forgot I owned, sweaters that I thought I lost, tank tops stained with fried clam sauce that I still think I can wear out if it's dark. Whywhywhy? I don't know a lot about feng shui, but I suspect that my qi is definitely blocked by all this JUNK festering in my room. I have a bag of documents from 2004 that I have carted around with me from apartment to apartment for the past four years. I have been contemplating a positive flow of ideas and energy lately, especially re: my diet and recently my workspace and my house. Simplicity is key but money burns a hole in my pocket and it always seems like if I just buy a few more things I'll be done, I'll have everything I need. And then I end up rediscovering all this stuff under a mountain of dust bunnies and stray hair a year later.
***********************
I managed to stay out of the bars all week until Thursday night, and then after a long buxiban class where I had to scare my kids in a makeshift haunted house, I was pretty easily convinced that getting a nice, cold one would make me feel better. It actually went down like this:
Mel: Want to go for a drink?
Me: Ohmigod yes let me get my purse.
Then they had a special on watermelon sours and out of curiosity I ordered one, and since it was like a nice, cold glass of Jolly Ranchers I had a few more and then I had a headache Friday morning. I did, however, stick to my vow to make dinner for myself all week. I even made omelettes for breakfast this morning. I found a page on how to make the perfect omelette and I followed the directions as best I could and I made THREE perfect omelettes for me and my roommate, my neighbor, and my boyfriend. For the record, a normal person cannot eat a whole 3-egg omelette, but skinny boyfriends can. Skinny boyfriends can also eat an entire six-piece bucket of fried chicken from KFC and then take a nap. And still be skinny. That's the part that really gets me.
Anyway, the news here is that I can actually cook, and better than I realized. I really encouraged by this and I am looking forward to taking a little more control over my diet, and also taking the time each day to do normal human tasks at a normal, human pace instead of always juggling at warp speed.
babbles
Last night was Halloween, that was fun. I dressed up like a Hooters' waitress because I have a tank top from Hooters Taipei and I was feeling less than inspired on Thursday night. I think it worked out okay, except for a lot of Taiwanese folks don't know what Hooters is. I was rocking the booty shorts and this tank top that doubles as a corset cause it's so tight, not to mention the pantyhose and the purple eyeshadow, and some of my friends were disappointed because they thought I wasn't wearing a costume. Yeah ladies, I came straight from a day of teaching kindergarten and didn't have time to change out of my school clothes...what?!************************
So the other day I was helping some of my older students understand the meaning of the word "traditional" in English, so I asked them about some traditional Taiwanese foods. I named off a few in English but they didn't know the English names, so I dropped a few Chinese names and then the little bastard in the corner starts whispering to his buddy. I'm like, "Tom, what did Richard say?" because Richard is a little disgruntled jerk and Tom told me, "He said your Chinese is getting better." Now I had my doubts as to the verity of that translation and I couldn't even hear what Richard said anyway, but I told them, "Well, it should be. I pay a lot of money for Chinese lessons and my teacher gives me a lot of homework." To which Tom awesomely responded, "You pay money to buy homework?" Golden.
************************
I have been cleaning my room all day. My rule has been to just get rid of the stuff that I wouldn't want to take back with me were I going home in a few weeks. I have thrown out things I forgot I even owned, shirts from my junior year of college (I graduated in 2004!), and various stained or otherwise well-worn items of clothing. It's my working-class upbringing; or my parents', rather, since they actually were able to provide a very comfortable life for us, but still clung to habits of "waste not, want not" that make me reluctant to throw out things like broken disposable cutlery and twisty ties. It's nauseating to me to find all the junk I have tucked away in bags and boxes in the corners of the room--purses I forgot I owned, sweaters that I thought I lost, tank tops stained with fried clam sauce that I still think I can wear out if it's dark. Whywhywhy? I don't know a lot about feng shui, but I suspect that my qi is definitely blocked by all this JUNK festering in my room. I have a bag of documents from 2004 that I have carted around with me from apartment to apartment for the past four years. I have been contemplating a positive flow of ideas and energy lately, especially re: my diet and recently my workspace and my house. Simplicity is key but money burns a hole in my pocket and it always seems like if I just buy a few more things I'll be done, I'll have everything I need. And then I end up rediscovering all this stuff under a mountain of dust bunnies and stray hair a year later.
***********************
I managed to stay out of the bars all week until Thursday night, and then after a long buxiban class where I had to scare my kids in a makeshift haunted house, I was pretty easily convinced that getting a nice, cold one would make me feel better. It actually went down like this:
Mel: Want to go for a drink?
Me: Ohmigod yes let me get my purse.
Then they had a special on watermelon sours and out of curiosity I ordered one, and since it was like a nice, cold glass of Jolly Ranchers I had a few more and then I had a headache Friday morning. I did, however, stick to my vow to make dinner for myself all week. I even made omelettes for breakfast this morning. I found a page on how to make the perfect omelette and I followed the directions as best I could and I made THREE perfect omelettes for me and my roommate, my neighbor, and my boyfriend. For the record, a normal person cannot eat a whole 3-egg omelette, but skinny boyfriends can. Skinny boyfriends can also eat an entire six-piece bucket of fried chicken from KFC and then take a nap. And still be skinny. That's the part that really gets me.
Anyway, the news here is that I can actually cook, and better than I realized. I really encouraged by this and I am looking forward to taking a little more control over my diet, and also taking the time each day to do normal human tasks at a normal, human pace instead of always juggling at warp speed.
27. October 2008:
But I want to do more with my time. I would like to wake up well-rested and ready to teach, I would like to spend my evenings studying, writing, and reading and not dashing around like a sleep-deprived, caffeinated ferret. So I'll try to keep myself in for a week and see what comes of it. I have also committed myself to making dinner for myself every night this week.It really bugs me that I can't cook, that I rely wholly on the restaurants and vendors around here to provide food for me. Even when I do manage to actually put something in a pan, I am still using pre-made spices and ingredients. I'm not ready to buy a farm and start slaughtering chickens and growing cilantro or anything, but it seems like slowing down and taking the time to complete a human task like preparing a meal for myself would be better than scarfing down a box of dumplings while I read webcomics.
Yeah so I'll let you know how it goes, if I make it. I already made some chicken for myself tonight, even put the leftovers in the fridge for tomorrow. I found some easy recipes online, too, and a very good step-by-step illustrated guide to making the perfect omelet. Sweet!
week without bars
So, yeah, it's Monday and I didn't go out, and I didn't go out last night, either. I am going to try to stay in every night until Friday, and then it's Halloween and there's always a good party on Halloween. It shouldn't be weird to stay home and read or watch TV or study some Chinese during the week, but for me it is. It's not even the drinking, because unless there's a full moon or something, I don't even get drunk. I just like being out, seeing what's going on, seeing what everyone else is up to. I've even taken to playing pool or shooting darts lately just to have another reason to go out.But I want to do more with my time. I would like to wake up well-rested and ready to teach, I would like to spend my evenings studying, writing, and reading and not dashing around like a sleep-deprived, caffeinated ferret. So I'll try to keep myself in for a week and see what comes of it. I have also committed myself to making dinner for myself every night this week.It really bugs me that I can't cook, that I rely wholly on the restaurants and vendors around here to provide food for me. Even when I do manage to actually put something in a pan, I am still using pre-made spices and ingredients. I'm not ready to buy a farm and start slaughtering chickens and growing cilantro or anything, but it seems like slowing down and taking the time to complete a human task like preparing a meal for myself would be better than scarfing down a box of dumplings while I read webcomics.
Yeah so I'll let you know how it goes, if I make it. I already made some chicken for myself tonight, even put the leftovers in the fridge for tomorrow. I found some easy recipes online, too, and a very good step-by-step illustrated guide to making the perfect omelet. Sweet!
26. October 2008:
Grrrr. I am talking about things I don't know anything about anymore.
Anyway, this does all relate specifically to my life at the moment. I have been having conversations with the beau who gets very upset when I start to drop anecdotes about monkeys into the conversation. So far, however, all I've been able to conclude is that he doesn't like monkeys because they are dirty and they fling poop. (He prefers dolphins.) He hasn't really offered an alternative theory, so I'll let him bake for a while before I check on him again. It just seems to me that even if you say we are super sophisticated monkeys (and definitely not computers) and that our thought processes and behaviors are rooted in an undeniable biological need to ensure our own survival, reproduction, and nurturing of our young, I don't think that absolves us from the responsibility of continuing to think about how we ought to conduct ourselves individually and how we ought to relate to each other in pairs, families, larger social groups and institutions, and finally as citizens of nations and the world. I don't think these questions are null or useless at all just because I read that love is rooted in our primal instincts and hormones and not our imaginary souls, though I suppose it's more than obvious that the answers to these questions will be based on your perspective on what it means to be humans.
(I feel like I have been teaching EFL kindergarten for too long. All I just said in all those words was that your going to answer the "big questions" in life according to your worldview. Duh. Welcome to the 10th-grader blog I am now writing.)
Anyway, additionally, as I mentioned before, I am getting pretty suspicious of everybody's ulterior motives. As in I think everybody has ulterior motives for everything, and they are all pretty selfish. Again beau chimes in that he does indeed do selfless things, and I can attest to the fact that he does many kind and thoughtful things for me and other people, but I think it's because he--and everyone else--wants other people to think well of him. Which relates to what I just read in that Slate article I mentioned, because so long as people think well of you, your social status is ensured, and your social status was once important to your survival (again with the monkeys).
This is also a particular problem of mine. I think most people readily communicate their secondary motives, as in "I did something nice for you because you're my friend," but nobody ever gets down to their primary motives, which would sound more like, "I did something nice for you because I want to ensure your affection because it's important to my self-esteem" or something like that. I will actually say things like that from time to time, only it's more like, "I talked to that guy at the other end of the bar because I wanted you to be jealous because you aren't paying attention to me." Which is maybe a little weird and unhelpful. I guess this just really gets down to id and ego and superego and whatnot, which I know nothing about beyond the brief definitions you get in introductory courses as a philosophy student in pursuit of your BA.
Also because I think too much about these things I tend to get myself really worked up about things. My buddy Mike is cool; if he buys a new video game he commits a few hours/days to defeating it and then he's satisfied. If he wants to go to the gym or start eating more vegetables or something, he just does it. But me, I want to start cooking more and I start to sink down into the throes of depression thinking that I need to simplify my entire life and get in touch with what it really means to be a human and practice some self-sufficiency. And stop buying so many clothes. And books. And go to the gym more. And quit smoking. And drink more water. And be more patient. And save more money. And drink less coffee. And read the newspaper. And vote. And study more. And paint my room. And spend less time in bars. And stop worrying about what everybody thinks. And make more teaching aids. And call my mom more. And learn how to relax. Do some yoga.
You see where this gets me?
primary motivations
I am going to try to keep this brief because I have to go to bed, but I am not sure I am going to be able to do it. All these things I've read lately discussing behaviorism or evolutionary biology have led me to conclude that I am pretty damn agnostic about what it means to be a human. That's weird for me to admit because a) I am not even sure you can use agnostic in that sense. It might be entirely specific to what you think about God or god or whatever, but then again, if you do believe in either God or god, that is going to form your beliefs about what it means to be a human, so maybe it isn't that much of a stretch to employ agnostic to mean you aren't all that committed to any particular definition of "human." And b) because I have always been really concerned about what it means to be a human and to be relating to other humans, and previously I was working within a Christian/Roman Catholic framework and lately I have been more convinced by theories that "reduce" us to biological drives and impulses, but I haven't found the transition very unsettling. Perhaps because it's been a few years in the making, but it still seems to me that if you wander away from a Christian perspective into a behaviorist perspective that you should be at least a little upset about it, and I'm not, so that upsets me. And perhaps I'm incorrect to conflate theories of evolutionary biology and behaviorism, but I think they have an obvious relationship.Grrrr. I am talking about things I don't know anything about anymore.
Anyway, this does all relate specifically to my life at the moment. I have been having conversations with the beau who gets very upset when I start to drop anecdotes about monkeys into the conversation. So far, however, all I've been able to conclude is that he doesn't like monkeys because they are dirty and they fling poop. (He prefers dolphins.) He hasn't really offered an alternative theory, so I'll let him bake for a while before I check on him again. It just seems to me that even if you say we are super sophisticated monkeys (and definitely not computers) and that our thought processes and behaviors are rooted in an undeniable biological need to ensure our own survival, reproduction, and nurturing of our young, I don't think that absolves us from the responsibility of continuing to think about how we ought to conduct ourselves individually and how we ought to relate to each other in pairs, families, larger social groups and institutions, and finally as citizens of nations and the world. I don't think these questions are null or useless at all just because I read that love is rooted in our primal instincts and hormones and not our imaginary souls, though I suppose it's more than obvious that the answers to these questions will be based on your perspective on what it means to be humans.
(I feel like I have been teaching EFL kindergarten for too long. All I just said in all those words was that your going to answer the "big questions" in life according to your worldview. Duh. Welcome to the 10th-grader blog I am now writing.)
Anyway, additionally, as I mentioned before, I am getting pretty suspicious of everybody's ulterior motives. As in I think everybody has ulterior motives for everything, and they are all pretty selfish. Again beau chimes in that he does indeed do selfless things, and I can attest to the fact that he does many kind and thoughtful things for me and other people, but I think it's because he--and everyone else--wants other people to think well of him. Which relates to what I just read in that Slate article I mentioned, because so long as people think well of you, your social status is ensured, and your social status was once important to your survival (again with the monkeys).
This is also a particular problem of mine. I think most people readily communicate their secondary motives, as in "I did something nice for you because you're my friend," but nobody ever gets down to their primary motives, which would sound more like, "I did something nice for you because I want to ensure your affection because it's important to my self-esteem" or something like that. I will actually say things like that from time to time, only it's more like, "I talked to that guy at the other end of the bar because I wanted you to be jealous because you aren't paying attention to me." Which is maybe a little weird and unhelpful. I guess this just really gets down to id and ego and superego and whatnot, which I know nothing about beyond the brief definitions you get in introductory courses as a philosophy student in pursuit of your BA.
Also because I think too much about these things I tend to get myself really worked up about things. My buddy Mike is cool; if he buys a new video game he commits a few hours/days to defeating it and then he's satisfied. If he wants to go to the gym or start eating more vegetables or something, he just does it. But me, I want to start cooking more and I start to sink down into the throes of depression thinking that I need to simplify my entire life and get in touch with what it really means to be a human and practice some self-sufficiency. And stop buying so many clothes. And books. And go to the gym more. And quit smoking. And drink more water. And be more patient. And save more money. And drink less coffee. And read the newspaper. And vote. And study more. And paint my room. And spend less time in bars. And stop worrying about what everybody thinks. And make more teaching aids. And call my mom more. And learn how to relax. Do some yoga.
You see where this gets me?
24. October 2008:
The last book I read was Swann's Way by Marcel Proust. I am a little bit of a quote-fiend, and I found a slew of quotes from Proust that really resonated with me, plus I liked that movie Little Miss Sunshine and the uncle is a Proust-guy, so I finally took the plunge and got the first volume of his massive tome, In Search of Lost Time. Now, I can totally understand why some people would not want to wade through it. To say Proust is wordy and descriptive would be pretty much like saying my room is messy--it would definitely be an understatement. The man can write, but I found myself getting caught up in it and taken away, but I can sympathize if you don't. What I really dug was the way he didn't give any of his characters a break, except maybe the narrator. Every single person in that book had ulterior motives behind everything they said or did, and the result isn't pretty. Talk about an omniscient narrator; it's not that you were privy to all the conversations and events, but you got a glimpse of selfish, manipulative, controlling impulses that dictated every interaction, from Grams down to the maid. I'll admit it's made me examine the unspoken ambitions that motivate me and made me equally suspicious of everybody else's ids and egos. The aftermath actually hasn't been pretty, but I definitely made the trip out to the nice, big Eslite behind 101 the other day and got the second volume. I was hooked after reading a couple hundred pages about Swann's misdirected and ill-conceived love affair and I need to get my fix.
Speaking of which, my mom left me a few back issues of her favorite American mags when she was here in July. They're mostly women's health and fitness magazines, but there were a couple of issues of TIME and one was about love. I am absolutely addicted to love. I think I spend more time thinking about human relationships that anything. There was one article that discussed romance in terms of evolutionary biology--we are driven to sex by our biological need to reproduce, but we are driven to long-term romantic infatuation with another person by our biological need to care for young children and ensure the continuation of our species/lineage. And yes, of course, the author goes on to say how that assuming romantic love is just a biochemical doesn't make it any less, well, romantic....blahblahblah. Why do people do that? Maybe it does indeed make it less romantic, but it doesn't make the drives any less powerful. Discussing my infatuation with my current beau, a friend of mine tried to empathize by saying, "Dude, that's all biochemical. I've totally been there before." Yeah and maybe it is. Maybe my id wants to nest or something. What the fuck, I don't know. But so what--telling a heroin addict in the throes of withdrawal that it's totally physiological doesn't make them fall back on their well-developed human logic as a source of strength. Biochemical urges are pretty fucking compelling as far as I can tell. (And it's not that hard to deduce from that why women seem more keen to get themselves enmeshed in romantic relationships and men are maybe more keen on getting themselves enmeshed with as many females as possible...evolutionary biology groupies don't leave a whole lot to the imagination.)
Actually, speaking to this exact same subject, I read an awesome article on slate.com the other day about humans being rather thin-skinned. Yes we are logical, but what precedes our logic is our social savoir-faire that allows us to build up allies and protects us from enemies. Sure our present allies aren't other murderous monkeys and our enemies aren't marauding gangs of still other murderous monkeys (I think we should all be able to concede that much, c'mon),and our social credit isn't so necessary to our mere survival as it would have been in less, *ahem* "civilized" eras our of our evolution, but we still know it feels good to roll deep when you're out. So let's trace all our fickleness and social scheming back to our biological urges, too.
Grrrr. Lots to think about, actually, but at the moment I have a family-sized bag of sushi waiting for me on the dining room table. I'm not kidding. It's so big that the chick asked me if I needed two sets of chopsticks and I was like, "Totally, of course," because I was too embarrassed to tell her I am going to make a huge effort to eat every morsel myself.
blogblogblog
Oh man I haven't posted in a while. It's not that I've been any busier than usual, though I am pretty busy. It's just that I think my brain gets clogged up sometimes and nothing can escape. As I was driving to work this morning, I caught myself belting out a line from an old Mike Doughty song: "I must, I must, I must have more thoughts than this." I need to hit the brakes, hit the books, and get off Facebook. I just devoted like two weeks of my life to getting enough money on "Friends for Sale" to buy my boyfriend. I need to be studying, not obsessing over trivial, time-wasting projects that throw my brain into spin cycle.The last book I read was Swann's Way by Marcel Proust. I am a little bit of a quote-fiend, and I found a slew of quotes from Proust that really resonated with me, plus I liked that movie Little Miss Sunshine and the uncle is a Proust-guy, so I finally took the plunge and got the first volume of his massive tome, In Search of Lost Time. Now, I can totally understand why some people would not want to wade through it. To say Proust is wordy and descriptive would be pretty much like saying my room is messy--it would definitely be an understatement. The man can write, but I found myself getting caught up in it and taken away, but I can sympathize if you don't. What I really dug was the way he didn't give any of his characters a break, except maybe the narrator. Every single person in that book had ulterior motives behind everything they said or did, and the result isn't pretty. Talk about an omniscient narrator; it's not that you were privy to all the conversations and events, but you got a glimpse of selfish, manipulative, controlling impulses that dictated every interaction, from Grams down to the maid. I'll admit it's made me examine the unspoken ambitions that motivate me and made me equally suspicious of everybody else's ids and egos. The aftermath actually hasn't been pretty, but I definitely made the trip out to the nice, big Eslite behind 101 the other day and got the second volume. I was hooked after reading a couple hundred pages about Swann's misdirected and ill-conceived love affair and I need to get my fix.
Speaking of which, my mom left me a few back issues of her favorite American mags when she was here in July. They're mostly women's health and fitness magazines, but there were a couple of issues of TIME and one was about love. I am absolutely addicted to love. I think I spend more time thinking about human relationships that anything. There was one article that discussed romance in terms of evolutionary biology--we are driven to sex by our biological need to reproduce, but we are driven to long-term romantic infatuation with another person by our biological need to care for young children and ensure the continuation of our species/lineage. And yes, of course, the author goes on to say how that assuming romantic love is just a biochemical doesn't make it any less, well, romantic....blahblahblah. Why do people do that? Maybe it does indeed make it less romantic, but it doesn't make the drives any less powerful. Discussing my infatuation with my current beau, a friend of mine tried to empathize by saying, "Dude, that's all biochemical. I've totally been there before." Yeah and maybe it is. Maybe my id wants to nest or something. What the fuck, I don't know. But so what--telling a heroin addict in the throes of withdrawal that it's totally physiological doesn't make them fall back on their well-developed human logic as a source of strength. Biochemical urges are pretty fucking compelling as far as I can tell. (And it's not that hard to deduce from that why women seem more keen to get themselves enmeshed in romantic relationships and men are maybe more keen on getting themselves enmeshed with as many females as possible...evolutionary biology groupies don't leave a whole lot to the imagination.)
Actually, speaking to this exact same subject, I read an awesome article on slate.com the other day about humans being rather thin-skinned. Yes we are logical, but what precedes our logic is our social savoir-faire that allows us to build up allies and protects us from enemies. Sure our present allies aren't other murderous monkeys and our enemies aren't marauding gangs of still other murderous monkeys (I think we should all be able to concede that much, c'mon),and our social credit isn't so necessary to our mere survival as it would have been in less, *ahem* "civilized" eras our of our evolution, but we still know it feels good to roll deep when you're out. So let's trace all our fickleness and social scheming back to our biological urges, too.
Grrrr. Lots to think about, actually, but at the moment I have a family-sized bag of sushi waiting for me on the dining room table. I'm not kidding. It's so big that the chick asked me if I needed two sets of chopsticks and I was like, "Totally, of course," because I was too embarrassed to tell her I am going to make a huge effort to eat every morsel myself.
10. October 2008:
Alright, it's a pretty mundane observation, but the fact is, having been rather incautious with my attentions and affections in the past, I've become a lot more guarded when I meet new people. In the past few months, I've even had a sick feeling in my stomach when first setting eyes on certain folks, and unfortunately, my instinctive repulsion was ultimately justified.
Generally, I want to extend a gracious welcome and a friendly hand towards new folks here, but I hesitate more and more because I don't like knowing that after someone has made my life unpleasant that it was me who opened the door to them.
I think part of the potentially negative consequences can be checked by the detachment I've talked about before, the detachment that seems so difficult for me to realize once my love or anger have been aroused.
making new friends
Why is it you meet some people in passing and they pass straight in and out of your life, like stray pieces of conversation on the train? And yet, other chance encounters open up new chapters in the book of your life, forever altering the story.Alright, it's a pretty mundane observation, but the fact is, having been rather incautious with my attentions and affections in the past, I've become a lot more guarded when I meet new people. In the past few months, I've even had a sick feeling in my stomach when first setting eyes on certain folks, and unfortunately, my instinctive repulsion was ultimately justified.
Generally, I want to extend a gracious welcome and a friendly hand towards new folks here, but I hesitate more and more because I don't like knowing that after someone has made my life unpleasant that it was me who opened the door to them.
I think part of the potentially negative consequences can be checked by the detachment I've talked about before, the detachment that seems so difficult for me to realize once my love or anger have been aroused.
04. October 2008:
Yeah, I'm going local.
This is one of the things that I do as a woman that doesn't make any sense. A few days ago, I could rely completely on my sharply-honed fine motor skills. I could dress myself, put on jewelry, apply makeup, pick up coins off the floor, push elevator buttons, and rifle around in my purse without injuring myself. Now I find the most mundane tasks to be challenging. I had to ask my friend to button my shirt at work this morning and another to open my bottle of juice last night. But all the girls gush, "Hao ke aie!" and not being able to tie my own shoes becomes just one of those things we have to do to look good. I swear, put me in some high heels and a short skirt, and the most I'll be able to do is stand in the corner with a drink and a cigarette. As long as someone else lights it for me.
you don't look this good for free
I just got my nails done. I have never had more than a very simple manicure two or three times in my whole life, and I went all out and got wicked long, pink, sparkly nails decorated with plastic jewels and strawberries.Yeah, I'm going local.
This is one of the things that I do as a woman that doesn't make any sense. A few days ago, I could rely completely on my sharply-honed fine motor skills. I could dress myself, put on jewelry, apply makeup, pick up coins off the floor, push elevator buttons, and rifle around in my purse without injuring myself. Now I find the most mundane tasks to be challenging. I had to ask my friend to button my shirt at work this morning and another to open my bottle of juice last night. But all the girls gush, "Hao ke aie!" and not being able to tie my own shoes becomes just one of those things we have to do to look good. I swear, put me in some high heels and a short skirt, and the most I'll be able to do is stand in the corner with a drink and a cigarette. As long as someone else lights it for me.
